Several times in the last couple of weeks I’ve found my stomach knots, my throat contracts and the tears flow.  This has happened when I’ve seen the enormous Mother’s Day displays that have been everywhere – supermarkets, card shops, florists, restaurants, hairdressers.

You see, this is the first Mother’s Day without Mum.

Everyone tells me that this is the hardest one, just as the first Christmas without her would be the hardest Christmas, but at the moment I feel as if it will never get any easier.  It seems strange, empty, not to be one of those looking through the racks and racks of cards, looking for one that suited her and that I knew she’d like.  Although, she always liked everything we ever bought her.  It didn’t matter what kind of present she got, whether she wanted it, needed it or indeed, even liked it.  She would always be so grateful for it.  That was a quality that marked her – her gratitude whenever anyone thought of her or bought her a present.  I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t always put a lot of thought into what a bought her and yet she would always say it was lovely and that she loved it.

What wouldn’t I give to be able to buy her something this year?  I’d put all the thought in the world into my choice of gift.

I’ve felt her loss keenly over the last two weeks, especially I think because it was also the anniversary of Dad’s death.

A “friend” told me that I’d turned Mum’s death into being about me when it should have been about her.  Yet, surely, anyone’s death is about the people who are left; how they cope and deal with their grief?  And at the moment I don’t feel as if I’m dealing with it very well.

I’m just trying to hang in and find the strength to get through this Mother’s Day without her.

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